Fat Kid Suit

What is Fat Kid Suit?


What is “Fat Kid Suit?”

When I first sat down to create this blog in October of 2009, it was part of my attempt to get at the origins of my never ending issues with food & drink. I had also gone “cold turkey” and wanted to write about all the horrors and wonders I was experiencing on my second attempt at a 100% raw food diet.

A distinct memory kept forcing itself into my head of me as a fat 12 year old sitting in church learning how evil I was, choking for air in my tight dress shirt and tie. It was a memory that I could feel, and it got me wondering, was I a fat kid wearing a suit, or a kid wearing a fat suit?

Fat Family

Dieting is tradition in my family.  A tradition that sadly, we seem to relish.

My father is a lifetime free member of Weight Watchers because in the 80’s he lost over 100 lbs with the support of other “watchers” who applauded when he lost a few pounds and consoled him when the scale went the other direction. But after years of “meetings” and little gold stars next to his name on the group’s weekly goal sheet each week, he is currently scary obese and frequently turns to the Atkin’s diet in a panic.  When he “goes off” his diet, my father gorges on food and always gains back more than he lost.

When my mother was a girl, she was poor and beautiful. She ate mostly pinto beans and potatoes, and during summer breaks picked tomatoes in the fields.  She was tan, long-legged, and sinewy.

Now mom is obese.  And worse, badly malnourished.  How can that be?  She had gastric bypass surgery (her stomach was stapled in order to “shrink” it) a couple years ago and it didn’t work.  She manages to overeat despite pain and discomfort, yet most of the nutrients “bypass” her system and are never absorbed, resulting in chronic exhaustion.  My mother is also frequently “dieting,” usually some attempt at calorie restriction, eating bland colorless foods.

I’m the oldest of five children, and all my siblings have struggled with extreme weight fluctuations as well, and each of us started dieting at very young ages.

K-Mart Body

My first diet was in the seventh grade, and I remember feeling it was both a fun game and a right of passage.  My weight has been Helter Skelter since age twelve.

One day in the locker room after seventh grade P.E. class a much larger alpha male kind of kid took the tip off his aerosol deodorant can and thew the can at me.  Because the spray tip was off, it stuck in my back like an arrowhead, creating a nasty puncture wound. As he threw the can he yelled out my name so everyone would turn, and then screamed “Where did you get that body?  K-mart?” This is back when nothing was more insulting and embarrassing than K-Mart.  Naked and humiliated I felt fat and stupid for being the object of so much disgust and laughter.

Since then I’ve been insect thin a few times and I’ve been as much as 80lbs overweight. As I type this tonight,  I am frustrated to admit that when I weighed myself at the health food store today on a doctors type scale it read 254lbs. That’s approx 64lbs overweight for me, I look and feel great and healthy at around 190.

How I Got This Bad

A few quick stats to establish a baseline:

  • I am a 36 year old male, 5’11”, and very dense whether I’m fat or thin.
  • I’ve done a lot of things for work, but have spent the past three years bartending. Making a careful calculation of my alcohol intake, I realized I’m drinking over 100 alcoholic beverages PER WEEK.
  • When I finally wake each day I race to the nearest Starbucks for a Venti Iced vat of delicious aromatic acidic black tar and an iced maple scone.
  • Not surprisingly I frequently experience horrific acid reflux and wake in the night coughing and choking on my own putrid bile.  Ironically, because I always fancied myself to be a health conscious person I avoid the little purple Prilosecs my father pops like candy and have tried my best to offset the drinking and poor eating with “natural treatments” (cold-pressed aloe juice and papaya chewables).
  • For years I’ve done pretty well with eating decent healthy food, but I binge on frozen pizzas or Mexican food, especially when I drink heavily which is basically all the time.
  • After reading John Robbins Diet for a new America when I was 18, I went totally vegan for almost 2 years. On a vegan diet, albeit not the healthiest version of one, I gained weight & felt awful. I think a lot of this was due to the fact that so many vegan foods are basically concentrated wheat gluten and processed soy products.
  • Off and on over the years I’ve lost a lot of weight doing the Atkins diet but feel disgusting the entire time I’m doing it and rapidly gain the weight back.
  • I’m no stranger to severe calorie restriction.  One diet my brother and I experimented with had us each eating just one El Pollo Loco BRC burrito per day, and one Lean Cuisine frozen dinner each night (well under 800 calories a day), for several months.
  • Another diet I’ve tried is “Eat Right For Your Blood Type.” I’m a type O so it was mostly red meat and vegetables.  Weight loss wasn’t drastic, but I did feel pretty good.
  • Two years ago while living in San Francisco, I got a sudden weird impulse.  Eat 100% raw for one month. Which I did.  It was the best I ever felt in my life.  I had ridiculous, almost crackhead levels of energy, needed little sleep, was super productive, felt some kind of euphoric magnanimous benevolence,  lost over twenty pounds in one month, 100% of my food/caffeine/alcohol cravings disappeared, and most importantly I was really happy.
  • Soon after that month spent raw, some serious personal shit happened in my life, and since being fat & unhealthy is really about being out of control and is 99% a mental-emotional-head thing, I fell back into the yo-yo unhealthy world I was born into.  Long story short, here I am back at a starting point. Realizing that I need to re-visit eating raw live foods, and see where that takes me…

What Now?

Finally I’ve reached a point where I feel so dehydrated, toxic, and exhausted that I must wake from this strange stupor I’ve been in and have decided to make a radical change.  Magazines and doctors warn against radical approaches to health, but in this situation I have to say; FUCK moderation!  Seriously.

A chilling look into the mirror recently revealed one of those grotesque twins from Alice In Wonderland staring back at me.  And that was with my clothes on!  With my clothes off a horror movie unfurls before me too frightening to watch with my eyes open.

Here I am in Palm Springs California, and no way in hell am I accepting any pool party invitations looking like this!

I will be blogging about eating only raw food for 60 days straight.  However, this blog isn’t strictly about raw foods or fat people. In fact, I have no idea if eating raw will be a permanent aspect of my life.  But for now it’s my way of trying to get honest with myself about my state of mind, and my state of health. I want to be happy and  I want to live authentically.

Can a raw foods lifestyle help me? Will I soon be able to look people in the eye and feel comfortable in my body and head again? Will I be free to take the fat kid suit off, and just be whatever I am underneath?

13 thoughts on “What is Fat Kid Suit?

  1. Very inspirational (and Raw) story. I hope you find what you are looking for. I find 100% Raw hard to maintain long term, but I’m sure you will benefit from it over the next 60 days. Can’t wait to see what you do at the end!

    • Thanks Tiffany.

      Yes without question 100% raw is not easy to maintain…although the first 3 weeks have flown by with little to complain about.

      I’m not so much searching for something as I am experiencing things…

      I sent my brother a tweet with a shortlink to your blog…he is warming up to the idea of eating more raw foods and I thought he (and my mother who is a diabetic) would find your blog inspiring as well!

  2. Pingback: 60 day raw food log: day 21 Weighing the cost of a raw food diet…is it worth it? (part 3) « Live Nude Food

  3. Lookin Good Ken!!! You are brave.. Raw diet for 30 days!!! Man…..maybe i could….i just love the burgers bud..love the burgers…..

  4. Wow……..I LOVE this post. Thank YOU!
    I’m so inspired by you. I have similar stories that mirror yours.

    All I have to say is, this is BIG—> [“..100% of my food/caffeine/alcohol cravings disappeared..”]

    Follow that! Remember that.
    Once I started eating fresh fruit for breakfast every morning, as much as I wanted, (day after day), all, not some, ALL, of my cravings for sweets disappeared. I never wanted chocolate, donuts, cake, cookies, etc. With lots of fresh fruit, those cravings stopped. What a blessing! I can thank rawfoods for that, I can also thank my faith in whole foods & my desire to choose them regularly for that. Right now I’m dealing with salt cravings. I’m trying to go no salt. Eating enough greens, honeydew melon & celery (natural sodium foods) really helps with this transition. We are both on the same path. There will always be the next stage, always. Working on your health is forever, (& it can be a sweet journey full of insights, gratitude & blessings). Lucky us that we are on that journey & making progress. 🙂

    I want to feel empowered & in control of my health. I want to look in the mirror & see a body that I love, & that loves me back for loving it. -Little by little this is happening. But I have to believe it will. It’s tough. No doubt about that!

    Thank you for your post. It’s beautiful. Continue to have faith in yourSelf & in your body. You both are perfect. 🙂

    Thanks again…

    Love,
    A.

  5. Fuck moderation. That may be my new motto. Great story, Ken. Thanks for the inspiration!

  6. Just wanted to say that this is very inspirational to me. I have similar background, though different in the particulars. I wish you the best in your efforts to change. I am going through big changes right now as well, coming back to raw (discovered “raw food” probably in 2001) for the 3rd time now 🙂 Nothing feels as good as eating mostly raw, in my experience. I have issues with alcohol – way too many drinks in one week, like you discovered. Raw is helping lessen cravings and giving me back my drive and energy. Good luck to you!

  7. Hi, Ken….reading your blog is very inspiring. Thanks for some very honest sharing. I grew up simply hating most veggies. Mom usually served them boiled & soggy. Salads were usually based on iceberg lettuce. One, her fav. was carrots, raisins & lots of mayo. Ugh! Thinking of that still sets my teeth on edge. I’ll take my carrots & raisins separately & hold the mayo! Add to this pan-fried shoe-leather tough meat and boiled white potatoes (almost daily with tons of margarine….my generation was told it was good for us), occasionally substitute white rice. Then there was dessert, usually pudding or canned fruit. Add lots of whole milk and ice cream. Think this is the way a vast number of Americans ate back in the day. I’ve lived alone most of my adult life, except for a 7-yr failed marriage, and never really learned how to cook. After seeing the article about you in the Desert Sun and starting to read your blog, I heard about a raw foods class being offered @ the CC Library. I attended the one last month & am signed up for the next. I’m really excited about learning to not cook. Thanks again for your part in getting me started on this path. The goal should always be the path, not the destination. Best wishes for you always……Joan

  8. Hey I would love to know how you are doing now, more than two years after this about me was written..

    • Thanks for asking. I live in Seattle now–like it there a lot. Still yo-yo diet and that’s frustrating.

      It’s been a long time since I’ve touched this blog but I’m consistently surprised how many people still happen upon it and read it. I’m considering writing more here on fatkidsuit soon. Recently I did a 21 day juice fast w/ very positive results and I’d like to experiment more w/ that kinda thing and share it here.

      I also travel down to Mexico (Baja California) a lot now and each time I go I come back with so many crazy stories that would be fun to write down. If you’d like to look at some short fiction and poetry I’ve fooled around with check out endlessbridge.com, a site I started and every so often add to.

      • Dieting sucks altogether, but I understand. I recently switched my family from super processed foods to almost no processed foods. It isn’t a diet so much as a lifestyle change, but it is better for the health of my kids. I’ll happily go read your short fiction & poetry! Thanks for the link!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s