Fat Kid Suit


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Detritus and other life dilemmas.

You have no idea how much I hate to share this…I am so fucking fat and out of shape…AGAIN!

Like a twelve-stepper wrestling with step one, can I admit at least to myself that I have a serious problem?

Yes, I think so.  This is my type-written admission to me, and to what I imagine, disgusted (or at least disgruntled) readers of this blog.  Let me buy the bar a round of apologies, and toast you all with “To a life larger than it is small!”  And “New beginnings!”

If there is anyone still out there who cares, I will be blogging once again about my relationship with food (still not sure if I’m the abused or the abuser), and a bunch of other stuff you may find interesting.  Much has happened since my last posts and many of my viewpoints have changed, some drastically.  I also now have a mustache.

mustache

Years ago, maybe when I was twelve or thirteen, a science teacher lectured about detritus.  I learned that decomposition is the rule rather than the exception in life.  My English lit teacher tried to tell us the same thing somewhere in her “Man VS. Nature” lectures.  And I suppose a lot of the crap I was taught at church was just a response to the fears associated with the overriding erosive nature of  life.

detritus

 

I think it’s just this year  though that I finally  get it.  Detritus.  And for some reason my increased awareness of all things decomposing is motivating me to create.

I want to create.  Even if what I create can’t be lasting.

 

 

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60 day raw food log: Day 45–Six weeks ago I was depressed and weighed 254 lbs. Today…

Today…the local newspaper is interviewing me about my raw foods “transformation!”

Read All About It! Crazy Guy Eats Only Raw Fruit & Veggies!!!

It may sound terribly cliche, but SO much has happened in just 1 1/2 months!  Enough apparently, to get the attention of others.

I lost 2 more pounds this past week eating only “raw foods.”  That means in only 6 weeks I’ve lost 26 lbs! But weight loss has really been the least significant change for me in all of this…

If you are new to my blog, go back to late October’s entries and you won’t have to read between the lines to find loads of anger and despair.  I was numbed out 90% of the time, and flat out angry the other 10% of the time.

Depression and Diet

Numbed out is just another way to say depressed.  How could I have NOT been considering what I was putting into my body?

I was:

  • Flooding my system with depressants (over 100 alcoholic beverages a week).
  • Trying to get back “up” with stimulants (coffee, sugar and other “white” foods) that spike you harder than a hot beach volleyball star.
  • Mucking up the works with bad fats made even worse by cooking with them.
  • Eating polluted grain-fed (and who knows what else) animal products filled with hormones, antibiotics and fear.
  • Rarely eating fruits or vegetables (like almost never), and when I did; eating nutritionally deficient, pesticide ridden, genetically modified produce.
  • Putting all of that “food” into a sedentary (nearly lifeless) body.

Looking back now, after such a rapid improvement in my sense of well-being, I have to ask myself, how much of that depression was completely physical and self-induced versus “emotional?”

Having grown up in a family comprised mostly of fat depressed souls, I also can’t help but truly wonder how many of their “emotional” problems would have been solved by just changing our families diet to a healthier one?

Would we have had a completely different childhood/home-life if we had just eaten different foods?

Comfort Foods and The Mirror

Of course the problem with a whole family, or even one person, making that kind of shift is this…when we’re depressed we want even more crap food to (here comes the irony) make ourselves feel “better.”  It’s called comfort food for Fuck’s sake!

I remember night after night of trying to comfort myself into a frickin coma with pepperoni pizzas and cartons of Ben & Jerry’s.  I also remember how uncomfortable I felt in my own body and how angry I’d feel looking at the “fat Elvis” version of myself in the mirror.

How ridiculous it really is to grow to nearly twice your size!  How out of control that feels!  How strange it is to be fat, even if it is quickly becoming the norm here in the U.S.

Just as bizzare and sad is getting to a place where its a burden just to be an active human being.  To see walking as a necessary evil that you engage in only when after circling the Walmart parking lot ten times you are forced to park more than 10 feet from your destination…

Real Food feels Real Good

So I don’t know where my life is going to go from here.  No one ever knows that.  I don’t know for sure if I will feel this elated two weeks from today.  I certainly don’t want to sound like I am preaching or proffering some kind of deluded salvation strategy (I don’t actually believe we need saving). But I do know that changing what and how I eat is changing me.

In very little time I look much younger, feel like early sexy Elvis more than pills washed down with liquor Elvis, and am no longer in self inflicted coma land…

Six weeks ago I could barely get out of bed to go to work at 5pm!  I was resigned to being broke and basically being unhappy with my life. Now I am having trouble sleeping because I have so much stuff that interests me hitting me all at once…

Yesterday I crashed a UC screenwriting lecture, and am beyond excited about getting back to work on some scripts I started before, as well as a new one I’m dying to outline and get started on.

I now spend a lot of time communicating with all kinds of people about food through Twitter and this blog.  I’d never blogged before, and had no idea how fun it can be or how much time it can take.

I have a growing reading list of both fiction and food-related stuff.  Business ideas that flashed across my previously drug addled brain are once again clamoring for my creative attention.

And, I have this interview with the paper I have to get to…


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60 day raw food log: Day 42 Can’t sleep again so here is a freak show photo blog to appease blog gods…and get you all off my back!

Getting to sleep is proving to be difficult lately.  I’m WIRED from raw fruit & technology.

Tonight I got hooked on being a DJ at Blip. You can check it out and listen to what I’m listening to blah blah blah.  Connectivity is becoming a bitch people.  I LOVE it & I hate it.  Feel me?

I was also watching these time-lapse You Tube vids of people who photograph themselves every day for several years and then stream the photos in rapid succession so you get to see a kaleidoscope of hairdos & pimples. Pretty cool. Here is my absolute favorite one because the guys hair looks alive from pic to pic–DO NOT WATCH THIS IF YOU ARE ON LSD RIGHT NOW!!!

These photo fast forwards got me thinking about how drastically our “look” changes over the years, and made me want to post some of my candid pics from the past four years (that’s about when I bought my first digital camera).  Enjoy a peek at how unstable I really am and a boisterous laugh at my expense…

NYC

Uh, that's what you do when you get a new camera, right?

fresh off boat. most people head straight for the whole where WTC used to be. I went looking for George & Elaine.

being a bike messenger is almost medieval hard--look at my helmet hair

i think this was halloween?

after about a year in NYC--that's a BKLYN industries track jacket

getting a lil hipsterish--thats what those big live-work lofts do to you

you also apparently start shooting in black & white...

how i liked to dress when i rode public transportation in NY

BACK TO CALI

didn't take long to go from hipster to hippy

I started channeling Jack Black

and doing a lot of disco drugs

and then apparently i was let out on parole?

but that didn't stop me from criminal trespassing

Is that JT? No..that's just me in Vegas

Eating at Cafe Gratitude in Berkeley the first time I tried raw living

started wearing all black and flipping off old ladies

Got a job on a cruise ship impersonating Bob's Big Boy

but the job had it's perks--these were french morrocan chefs on St. Thomas who fed our drunk asses yummy Thai food and shots of real fruit infused Patron...

it's xmas here, in HAWAII! but still have SF winter beard. and if you look close I was working on a rat-tail. my mom never let me have one.

Was hoping to be cast as "meathead" in All In The Family remake

here's where it starts to go bad...pretty sure there's a drink in my hand...

or a slice of pizza

apparently i never get off this couch, here's a year after the last photo, i'm 250 lbs or more and killing a case of beer every 24 hours...

which led me back to this raw food thing

and hopefully back on my way to healthy and too cool for school

So…

I will be taking 60 day pics in about a week and a half…hope you enjoyed this insomnia-maniacal abuse of social media and won’t report me.


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60 Days Raw Log: Day 3 is for sexy pears & other cravings

Day 3

Feel much better today.  Woke up minus the headache and body stiffness but still have noticeable kidney pain. Also, my body temp feels lower, and I find myself taking a hot shower a couple times a day and wearing long sleeves and jeans for a change. I’m stoked to have one more day off to adjust to all this before having to get back to work Fri night.  I currently work as a bartender and it takes a lot of patience, ability to remember, plain old labor, etc.  So tomorrow night we’ll see how I function at work totally raw.

Cravings…pretty bad today…craving grilled ham n’ cheese sandwiches and marinated tri-tip steak….it’s difficult to imagine eating this way for more than a month or two…

I’m also allowing myself to be kinda boring for now with regards to food prep, and unique smoothies, etc.  I want to get a little more into raw recipes, I especially want to learn how to make raw “chips” so I have crunchy salty snacks (I found a good recipe online for kale chips)!  But I don’t have the money for a food dehydrator and need to take one baby step after the other for now.

I was spoiled when I did the raw thing in SF because there are SEVERAL amazing raw restaurants there, and raw food vendors at the huge farmers market’s that sell these amazing wraps and shakes and stuff.  Here in Palm Springs…not so much.

Looking forward to that energy rush that comes with raw eating, but hasn’t happened yet.  It actually feels like my body is telling me to chill and lay low–I’m sure after all the abuse I’ve subjected it to that it needs major cleansing.

What I ate today:

  • Watermelon Juice (LOVE THIS STUFF!)
  • Lot’s of h20 w/ lemon squeezed in it
  • Huge combo salad: Spinach, lettuce, olives, red peppers, a whole avocado, black pepper, lemon, olive oil, topped with this incredible product called RAWMESEAN (walnuts, sea salt, nutritional yeast).
  • A mango
  • 2 sweet sexy pears! *&^% delicious these organic pairs
  • Raw chocolate & almond butter
  • A raw bar made with nuts and dates
  • Some delicious figs I bought and ate while walking around the Thur nite Farmers Market
  • My asian slaw salad again
  • A real chocolate shake! Raw honey from farmers market, cacao powder, hemp seeds, almond butter, dates…insanely thick, creamy and delicious!

As you can see I’m eating a good amount.  That’s really key with this way of eating.  Eat what you wantDO NOT concern yourself with any of the following:

  1. Calories (all calories are not the same–no matter what they say)
  2. Carbs (raw honey is the food of the gods!  real fruit sugar IS NOT the same as corn-syrup even though they are both “fructose.”
  3. Fat (your body thanks you for the olive oil, coconut oil, avocados, and nuts!)
  4. Percentages--forget it.  Listen to your body, it will tell you what you need.  Fershizzel my Nizzel.