Fat Kid Suit


10 Comments

To Blog or Not to…

Yes, I’m right back at fat. And yeah, I think my desire to transform chrysalis like into the Monarch (an actual ruling King, not a butterfly) I’ve always been pretty sure is the “authentic me,” is SO very interesting. Various persons have even been directly asking me to “please write some more of those fat kiddy things.”

Throne shopping is fun…

Why not write a little story, or post a couple pictures of some super fruit recipe I think is the shit?

I guess because being depressed is a full time job. And when I’m depressed I see and feel how depressed A LOT of other people are too. Not the X-Men “gift” I’d wish on anyone.

So when people email and ask when I’ll resuscitate the lifeless fat kid (picture jumper cables and a bowl of death grey Jello), I just hear, “I’m fucking miserable and fat too and wish you’d at least entertain me a little with your prancing and patheticisms!”

And then there is the whole pollution thing. The putrid litter people let spill from their mouths while talking to fellow body-snatchers on the other end of their cellular sticks, the online East Rivers percolating with the filth we shamelessly call “forum,” and the worst, fastest growing STD of them all, Facebook. There’s the cat! And she just won’t stay in that bag! Can I participate in modern life–can I live–without socially transmitting my own dis-ease?

Dogger

I don’t know. But lately, and this would take some explaining, I’ve been feeling like a monkey. It’s just become obvious to me–I’M A MONKEY. All that Judeo-Christian bullshit, our fingers stuffed in our ears as our mouths froth and blubber over and over, “We are NOT monkeys! I am not a MONKEY!”

Anyways, I’m trying to say that even though I’m personally against my doing so, I will probably blog soon about all this monkey business.

Thinking burns a lot of calories, I think.


6 Comments

stick a label on me, spread the bull-shit thick, manipulate everyone around you

I’m sick. Physically, mentally, and socially.

Fizz:ical (PX)

Tuberculin Zone Ahead

 

Seems I picked up some kind of lung thing in Mexico.  Despite heavy doses of miracle powders ranging from deep forest mushrooms to marine algae–I still look and feel horror show.  The other physical malefactor being stress from work issues I don’t want to elaborate on, and my own piteous incapacity to handle life…

 

gone Mental ( -MH )

Children who don’t sleep at night are creepy birds.  I was one of those wide-eyes, and it wasn’t/isn’t a hoot.

FML

So much seems to be about sync, records just don’t play right if spun even a little too slow or fast.  My reset button was intense exercise, which is unfortunate, due to pernicious injury I spend a lot of time sidelined.  If I wasn’t eating as healthfully as I am now and drinking as little–I’d be sunk at the bottom of the deep end of the depression pool.

Social defunct (S&M)

Being immune-compromised, exhausted, and synapse taxed makes it toilsome to be around others.  If you have ever worked in “the service industry” you know how unserviceable many of the bloated, baffled, boring, and banal who stumble through are.

Lately I've been lacking in flair.

Here in Palm Springs California, most of the tourist look as if just seconds before someone smashed them in the face with a baseball bat.  Stunned and confused they want me to make them a drink identical to the swill they drink back home at their neighborhood Applebee’s or Tweedledicks.

It’s painful even pretending to be interested as they tell their grating stories or stammer about how they don’t really mind homos as long as they don’t make a show of it or act, you know, too gay.  And then I’m supposed be funny,  endearing even, while I cater to their every piggish whim running back and forth for diet coke refills and extra ranch dressing.

Looking for a bridge to live under

Beyond the food service thing, I am fighting to find a way to communicate with people that doesn’t feel like it is sucking the life out of me.

TOTALLY legit


2 Comments

Sexy Apple Cider Vinegar

Not much to report yet in regards to progress.  For the record I stated I would take “baby steps” in my efforts to get my health back.

So to start with, my attention is on simple awareness.  What I do.  Why I do it.  The whole “seeing” thing.

And how it actually feels.  I’ve been noticing that sometimes I assume things feel certain ways even when the opposite is true.

So here is what I saw today in an effort to simply observe–minus expectation and judgment :

MIND

  • I look like Buddha.  At 250 lbs I have his cheeks. 
  • I sleep very late.  The past two days I made an effort to awake earlier (like in the morning), and realized I stay in bed because I don’t know what to do with myself all day.  My life is minus direction, and time only flies while I’m passed out.
  • I think I think too much.  And I’m questioning the value I place on thinking.
  • I used to look people in the eyes–almost searching theirs–now I look away.
  • The foods I eat sound so good until I finish eating them.  After, I feel heavy and less than inspired.  Even defeated.
  • I’ve lost any actual belief in my ability to accomplish anything that requires a real commitment (i.e., time/$/energy).
  • I like people less than ever.

 

BODY

Physically, besides getting up earlier, I am taking nice long walks each day.  Today the heat returned to Palm Springs, so I will wait until around 9PM to take a brisk (pace not temperature) stroll because the temp should drop to around 85 degrees by then.

The only other “healthy” changes I’ve made so far is cutting back on the quantity of coffee and booze a bit, and adding organic raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar (Bragg’s) to my daily routine.

The main reason I’m taking apple cider vinegar (ACV) is to try and reset my stomach and buffer my horrific Acid Reflux.  I’m experimenting with it plain in water first thing in morning and before lunch (which is after coffee).

Late at night instead of my normal bourbon-based cocktails I mix a couple tbs of ACV with 1 tsp of natural baking soda and about 8 0z of cold water and pour it over rocks.  Not actually that sexy, but it kinda tastes like hard cider, and so far it seems to be helping.

For what it’s worth I’ve also read that ACV has a slew of other benefits (kidney cleaner, clear skin, weight loss, etc.).  I’ll report any benefits I experience.

I’ve made no other changes to my diet yet.  A side affect of the mindfulness attempts is that I am cleaning up what I eat a little here and there just because I’m kinda watching myself as an observer…


4 Comments

10/10/10

I’ve been in bad shape lately. For eight months I’ve avoided posting here because I was embarrassed to report how out of it I’ve been.

You may have read that I was getting sidelined by hernia symptoms. I’d like to say I’ve addressed that, but instead I’ve been afraid of making it worse and thus have been terribly sedentary–which has made it, uh,  worse.

Lack of activity coupled with a return to my previous unhealthy eating & drinking (If I were a law firm it would be called Binge & Binge Associates) means I’ve packed a lot of the fat I lost back on.

A few days ago I started getting the urge to regroup and put myself out there again (for both scrutiny & support).  My alcohol addled brain has been making a case for changing nothing in my life, but for some reason 10/10/10 kept popping into my head all week as a portentous date for me and my well-being…

Reading over my previous blog-posts I’m shocked by how healthy I was.  I remember how nice it was to feel that good and happy.

I’m not prepared to commit to a 100% raw diet today, but I will be adding some healthy foods back into my life (I’ve been categorically avoiding fruit and greens).  I’ll also be cutting back/out some of the shit foods that have once again taken on more meaning in my life than they deserve.  And in the spirit of baby steps, I will move about more.

On some level I really believe the Buddhist credo about simple awareness being the key to ourselves and that we are already fine how we are at any given moment.  If we put our attention on just seeing what is, without judging what we see, it’s sorta automatically self-corrective in a really healthy way that makes a lot more sense than flogging…

 

So for now I’ll just write down what I “see.”

  • I weigh exactly 250 pounds today.
  • My acid reflux has gotten ridiculously bad and is at times painful and even scary.
  • My flexibility is nil, and my aerobic capacity is next to nil.
  • I’m optimistic.

 


7 Comments

60 day raw food log: day 28 If raw food is so great, why do I feel bad?

It’s Sunday in Palm Springs, 75 degrees out, beautiful mountain backdrop, happy friendly people and their pets are out enjoying the life…

And I feel like shit.

Why?

My first week eating only raw food was rough.  Imagine cutting yourself off cold-turkey from drinking over 100 adult beverages per week, abstaining from your morning cup of crack with the pretty mermaid on it, and suddenly refusing your body any access to pizzas and Mexican food…NOT a fun transition.

If you’ve seen New Moon, and watched Kristen Stewart’s “Bella” writhe and scream in her sleep over her lost Edward (who I still maintain looks an awful lot like Bert from Sesame Street), you have an inkling of what my first week raw felt like!

Weeks two and three were a different movie…I felt euphoric and “high” and ate up all the positive comments I was getting from friends and strangers.  EVERY SINGLE DAY I saw a thinner, sexier, happier, healthier, more in-tune version of me in the full-length mirror.

Having a cute young raw foods chef at a Santa Monica cafe ask me if I was “raw” the second I walked in the door surprised me.  When I answered yes, and she told me she “thought so, because my eyes were so clear and I really had a case of the glow” I was beyond flattered.

But here I am near the end of week four, a week of apathy and fatigue.  What’s up?  I feel like I’m doing this right…I’ve slowly been upping my intake of greens, I’m making sure I get natural fats like hemp oil, I’m still eating a lot of juicy organic fruits…

Also, I eat very little dehydrated raw foods (they make me feel as dry as they are) and most days just eat foods in their whole simple form without trying to “doll” them up.

I’m hoping that it’s just another cleansing level I’ve hit?  I would expect my recent toxic past to haunt me for awhile. Maybe it’s a little bit mental…one month is the longest I’ve ever gone before raw…? But Jesus do I hate the idea that some or all of the benefits of raw eating might just be in my head.

One interesting distinction I’d like to make: I’m not depressed.  I’ve spent much of my life in moderate to severely depressed states, this isn’t anything like that.  I’m clear about things–almost scary sober–but I don’t necessarily like how that feels…

Sometimes eating raw makes so much sense to me, and I see it as the answer to a lot of peoples problems both on a personal level and a collective one.  That’s how I mostly feel…at other times the whole thing seems ridiculous and absurd!  Not eat ANY cooked foods?  Not get drunk and stupid?  WHY?!?  What am I trying to prove? To whom?

As an example last night a guy at the bar wanted mashed potatoes.  We don’t have that on the menu, but Mike the Chef made some for him anyways, that’s the kind of old school cool we serve up.  When I bring him the potatoes I’m drooling.  When he adds a few dollops of real butter I’m butter.  So I try and remind myself that when I get home later I was actually going to make my own version of mashed “potatoes” which are made from soaked cashews and cauliflower blended up with salt & pepper.  They taste pretty good.  But they are NOT potatoes, and they are cold.  For some reason it just seemed stupid to me…am I too good for potatoes?

My intention with this blog is not necessarily to inspire anyone to do anything.  I simply want to reveal what eating raw is doing for me (now and in the future).  So please take what I say with a grain of pink Himalayan crystal salt.   I’m half-way through my trial and will continue to candidly share my peaks and valley floors with anyone interested…


8 Comments

60 day raw food log: day 16 Weighing the cost of a raw food diet…is it worth it?

Most people are concerned about money right now.

I am in need of an IV drip connected to a money bag myself.  The place where I bartend is only scheduling me for 3-4 shifts a week, and like many restaurants, is struggling.

So one part of determining if raw food eating is “worth” it is the dollars spent. I’ll do my best to give a dollars & cents breakdown on what eating this way is costing me and how it compares to when I ate a “normal” American diet.

Another price to pay for eating raw is taking an honest look at the things you give up to do so.  Pizza delivery and cheap beer.  Pitchers of mojitos to wash down some gourmet Cuban cuisine.  Street food (especially TACO TRUCKS!)  BBQ joints…did I mention Taco Trucks?

CIMG3610

I knew my moto was back in Cali when I came across this taco truck on a cold night just south of the border. The Oregon border!

Finally, anytime you examine somethings true cost you have to figure out just what the hell you’re getting out of it.  AKA…what are the benefits?

So is it worth it? I’m no expert and I can’t answer this (or any other question) for you.  But let you inside my abnormally large head and show you exactly how I feel at this juncture about the costs of eating raw…

Today (part 1) will focus on the monetary cost.  Tomorrow (part 2) will look at the cost of giving up things you love and are used to…like taco trucks.  And in (part 3) I’ll wrap it up with a snazzy cost/benefits analysis (sorry no charts or Excel spreadsheets) that attempts to explore the sometimes measurable, sometimes intangible benefits of a raw food life.

Part One

IS EATING RAW MORE EXPENSIVE THAN COOKED?

First few times you walk over to the raw “section” at the health food store (you know you’ve become a radical marginal member of society when you are shopping in a specialized section of a specialty store) two things will probably jump to your attention…

My first thought was “This is a really tiny section.  Not really a section actually, more like an end-cap.”

My second thought was, “Holy shit!  $14 for peanut butter!?”

Bulk Items

To make matters worse, a lot of the things you “need” to get started are bulk items. These types of items will probably last you a month, but they require payment in full today.

As an example, I bought a big bottle of spirulina for $43.  Two weeks later I’m only halfway through it.  But when I

swamp2

Spirulina bringing someone else back from the dead...

was standing there in the store trying to imagine how bad something that grows on top of a swamp might taste, and ruminating on the sad fact that lately I don’t even make $43 some nights, well lets just say it wasn’t easy to hand over the green required to buy the green. (Spirulinas really more blue-green).

My conclusion? These items aren’t in actuality expensive and can actually make raw eating more economical in some instances. At $1.4o per serving, roughly the price of a Coke, instead of corn syrup, chemicals, and an ingredient list that reads more like toilet bowl cleaner than beverage; you get the most concentrated bio-available protein on the planet.

So, score one for the spirulina and other bulk raw items you might want like cacao nibs, hemp oil, and raw honey.

Pre-packaged stuff VS. Produce

When you are new and trying to “adjust” to raw  for the first time you will naturally gravitate to the expensive pre-packaged raw items because they sorta look like what you think foods supposed to look like.

realhomerI stood there having a Homer Simpson style conversation with myself that went something like this… “Ahhhh…crackers!  I know what crackers are! This is a peculiarly small little bag with only 6 crackers in it…not exactly a Costco size box of Wheat Thins…but it says here…sun-dried tomato crackers…mmm…sounds yummy…and they are only…let me just turn this little package over and find the price….$9!  WTF!”

I bought them anyways.  Because I was scared of not having what I refer to as “food-food.”  And you know what allows you to psychologically pay NINE BUCKS for SIX CRACKERS?  The little sticker on the package that says “raw.”  And do you know what those crackers taste like, I’ll give you a hint…it’s a 4 letter word…start’s with an “S”…and it’s not sun dried tomatoes!

I’ve been reading a lot of other raw foodists blogs and watching their You Tube channels and tweeting with them and I’m starting to get the feeling that the longer one eats raw, the more likely they are to do almost all of their shopping at a Farmer’s Market, or in a good organic produce section.

My conclusion? Go ahead and buy the pre-packaged stuff.  Try it.  See what you like and what you don’t.  Soon you will save the dehydrated breads and little $4 baggies of superfood trail mix for when you need the convenience or the comfort.  Spend the bulk of your dough on fruits & veggies that are pound for pound, yes even at organic prices, the best value for your food dollar.

11/14 UPDATE!  Went to Farmer’s Market today and loaded up on fresh veggies/greens/and fruit.  I even bought a big jar of raw wildflower honey.  Grand Total = $40  Because I’m 100% raw I also got “free” breakfast out of the deal just walking around enjoying all the samples being handed out.  When I came home I took everything out and put it on the table so I could see what all I bought.  I had to take a picture…amazing isn’t it?  The honey will last a couple weeks and I’m sharing this with my girlfriend, so the real cost to me for the week I estimate to be closer to$25!!!

DSCN1435

How Much Are You NOT Spending?check-into-booze

This is really fair question to ask, and the one that pushed me over the edge on the money issue.  Do this little exercise yourself, and be brutally honest about it.

I added up what I spent each week on:

  • Coffee. Up to 2 weeks ago I was spending over $6 per day at Starbucks.
  • Booze. I’m talking drinks out (w/ tips), drinks in, wine, beer, all of it! For me drinking on the cheap was still costing  me over $70 per week. And that’s with a job where I can have a drink or two for free.
  • Cooked food groceries. I love to cook.  Shop pretty smart at Trader Joe’s.  My share of weekly groceries is about $40 per week.
  • Eating out. Make sure you include any fast food, lunches out, frozen yogurts, movie popcorn, brunch, all that!  I had really cut back lately.  In the past my girlfriend and I would grab sushi or Mexican food at least 3x per week. But due to lack of work and recently moving, I’m gonna say I was spending about $25 per week eating out.
  • Cigarettes. I don’t smoke cigarettes, so this wasn’t an issue with me.  But if you do smoke, we’re talking big bucks here, and you ARE going to stop smoking if you go 100% raw.  Maybe not immediately, but soon.
  • Other drugs including prescriptions. In one way or another, to quote Weezer, “We are ALL on drugs.”  I like to party, and think recreational substances have their place. But for arguments sake assume you won’t be spending money on that after you get hooked up to nature’s crack–raw food.  Also include most (not all, like I don’t think eating raw is going to do anything in the contraceptive department) pharmaceuticals.  Especially meds for cholesterol, blood pressure, diabetes, acid reflux (my GERD is 100% GONE), etc.

So for me…about $200 per week.  What’s your total?

So that’s $200 per week that I can apply to eating 100% raw food, drinking fresh-squeezed vibrant juices, and even eating out every so often in a little raw cafe or gourmet raw eatery.  $200 is A LOT of vegetables and fruit.

Another aspect of how much it really costs to eat raw vegan organic foods that I hadn’t thought of until I read Derek Markham’s blog today…is all the money not spent at the Doctors office.  In his case he acknowledges that as a father he chooses to spend a large portion of his families income on fresh organic food.  Derek says, “Our kids deserve the best fuel for their minds and bodies, and eating this way is our ‘health insurance’.” That blew me away.

What I’m NOT suggesting is that you cancel your health insurance (if you have health insurance) and count that as potential savings if you go raw.  But imagine the money you, your family, and the country would save by having less sick days, co-pays, depression, and chronic illness…

My conclusion? Money should have nothing to do with whether or not someone chooses to go raw.  If anything, I am spending a little less money each week to give my body an abundance of nutrients and delicious food.

Tune in tomorrow if you want to read about some of my misgivings about going (and staying raw long-term), as well as a candid lament about things I’m not sure I can live without (or want to).